Ninja Champion (1986)

Usually, when I write about the IFD and Filmark ninja films of the 80s, I start with an introductory paragraph to ease any unfamiliar viewers gently into their world. With Ninja Champion, there seems little point. This is deep into the dojo. One of the weirdest, most impenetrable of a weird, impenetrable genre. If you’re new to studies of Ninjology and not already in tune with Godfrey Ho and his directorial style, this is not a good place to start. In fact, you could get some form of mental whiplash going too fast from conventional martial arts cinema straight into Ninja Champion so please proceed with caution. Perhaps try something like Ninja Terminator first? For the rest of us though… here’s Ninja Champion. Although, in honesty, I can’t promise this won’t cause at least some disturbance in even the most hardened of viewers..

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The opening credits alternate the usual aerial shots of the Hong Kong skyline and stolen synthesizer music with bizarre quick cut-ins of a woman tied to a tree, seemingly being raped by clowns (you see? I told you to proceed with caution on this one). From here, we cut to a diamond smuggling deal going down elsewhere in the city. The female smuggler has hidden the diamonds in her top and, as she takes down her top to reveal them to her employer, they shine brightly enough to obscure her breasts…

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Since this – and the gratuitous disco scene that follows – will leave viewers already reeling and confused, Bruce Baron pops up (seemingly dressed in Richard Harrison’s clothing) to explain everything. He is a ninja called Donald. He’s on the trail of some diamond smugglers and, one of them, a girl named Rose, has been raped and is seeking revenge on her rapists. Rose’s ex-husband George is working for Donald. There are some evil ninjas in town (led by the ever-watchable Pierre Tremblay) but they’re all under strict instructions to “not do anything”. This is, of course, because they’re from a completely different film to the rest of this and it would require more effort than is available to splice them properly into the story. And as if splicing two movies together wasn’t enough, we also get some bonus footage of actual Richard Harrison talking on his Garfield phone. This is ripped straight from Ninja Terminator but is redubbed so it seems like he’s talking to Bruce Baron about Rose and George. This is also billed as a “SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE” in the credits.

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Most of the footage here – Rose, George, et al – was originally a 1985 Korean rape-revenge film with the catchy name of Poisonous Rose Stripping The Night. This was directed by Shi-hyeon Kim – who also made Uninvited Guest of the Star Ferry – the film IFD recut into Ninja Terminator – so there’s quite a pedigree there. Sadly, despite both of them starring Jack Lam (who here plays George – not quite as iconic a character name as Jaguar Wong!), there’s a massive dip in quality. Poisonous Rose is quite a scrappy feature, rough around the edges and probably in quite poor taste but – even before you add the ninjas – Godfrey Ho and his team have re-edited and redubbed it in a way that renders it completely surreal and a far more baffling movie than it ever could’ve been by itself.

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To give you an idea, the first rapist that Rose takes revenge on, she starts by seducing him. After they roll around on the bed and he sucks her breasts, he starts choking and accuses her of poisoning the wine. “Not the wine! My nipples, you jerk!” she replies. Yes. This film contains poisonous nipples. She then drowns him in the bath, strangles him with a plug chain and castrates him, after all of which he expires (and fair enough, really). The police accept this as an accidental death.

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Rose, incidentally, is adept at disguises so none of the rapists recognise her until she whips off the disguise and announces her identity. These amazing disguises include glasses…

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…and glasses.

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Hmm.

Still, it does the trick. She keeps on seducing them and killing them. One outrageously tasteless scene involves one of the rapists realising who she is, handcuffing her and asking if she has any last requests before he kills her. She asks if she can put some make-up on before dying because “You know what it’s like. I’m a woman. I want to look my best”. He replies, “Okay, but don’t do it too well or I might want to rape you again before I kill you! Ha ha ha!” Thankfully, it’s a trap, Rose uses the distraction to get away and the rapist winds up with his hand crushed in the car door, and a slew of broken bones as Rose runs him over with his own vehicle.

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There are some mental subplots too, like George’s current wife who is struggling with getting sex out of George because he’s still in love with Rose (“I won’t make love to you!” he barks, “Go take a cold shower! If you’re in a hurry, why don’t you pay someone to screw you?”). However, as the story develops, George falls in love with diamond smuggler Jenny. D’oh. We also get a mentally stunted bald guy who tortures and is tortured; a ton of people get shot at a dockyard; Rose’s revenge gets lost in the mix and ALL OF THE ABOVE is revealed to be a carefully constructed trap that the evil ninja has set up. For REASONS. We don’t really get to work out what’s in it for him but he does a lot of maniacal laughing so clearly gets a kick out of it.

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But is there much actual ninjing? Not really. There are four fight scenes cut in at random intervals where Bruce Baron picks fights with the evil red ninjas who – having been explicitly told to stay out of the action – are just hanging around practicing their ninja tricks. One guy has some cool hoops.

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Another spins plates on swords and shuriken balanced on his nose. They’re basically a ninja circus (which – in its owned warped way – might explain why Rose’s rapists were dressed as clowns?). Anyway, they all get their asses kicked.

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We finish off with the obligatory fight between the two strongest ninjas although this time it takes place at a children’s playground. It’s strange. Usually we get a building top or a hill or a forest somewhere, which feels like the kind of low-key location where ninjas would fight but, nope, here it’s a kiddie park. In broad daylight. Which is just plain weird. Even weirder is that it all ends with what appears to be the evil ninja getting a sword rammed up his ass while splayed out on the monkey bars. This is a very, very strange film. I can’t, with any conscience left in me, say it’s actually good but if you like the psychotronic side of these movies and can accept an almost total lack of coherence, Ninja Champion is worth a look. Just stay off the monkey bars…

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